Remaining Curious on Life’s Battlefields

Dear Reader:

As we continue to prepare In Trudeau's Kitchen for the world, I am mystified by my own journey on this lively battlefield. Many whistle-blowers write their books long after the events have concluded. They often have the benefit of years of reflection before they finally put pen to paper. I don’t. I have been challenged to make sense of this experience, while it is still active. I am pressed to come to conclusions while still under attack.

I had somehow hoped that the announcing of the book would calm things down. If anything, it’s had the opposite effect. There is nothing new about the games that the techno-terror team plays to harass and intimidate, but it has intensified as of late. As have seemingly unrelated events that either obstruct my focus (i.e. Editor and web designer issues), or intensify my anxiety (i.e. funds stolen from vehicle, gnarly neighbors shouting threats in my direction etc.). I long ago came to the conclusion that the value of this book could be measured by all the tangible and intangible efforts to undermine it. If it didn’t have an abundance of light coming off of it, it wouldn’t attract so much darkness. There would be no attempt to ignite my hopelessness, if it didn’t carry real hope for humanity.

It is no small thing to bear this weight for nearly five years. Those who run the techno-terror show are no different than the most narcissistic abusers you have known. They specialize in destroying other humans, euphemistically calling themselves ‘private investigators’ when they are in fact ‘private tormentors.’ Often former police officers, they will tell you that they left policing because it was too corrupt. They will tell you that they did bad things, but now they want to do good things. They will tell you that they are ‘white hat’ (benevolent) hackers, rather than ‘black hat’ (malevolent) hackers. They will tell you they are in it to make the world a better place. This may be true for some of them, but it is not true for many of them. Because many of them really are in it for the money, and for the feeling of power they get from playing with the consciousness of others. They make far more money tormenting than investigating, and for those who were defamed and bullied as children- which in my estimation is most of them- they get a special kind of projected satisfaction from abusing strangers. It is no substitute for healing, but these are not people interesting in healing. These are people interested in taking their pain out on others.

My work has been to find a way to keep going, while in their midst. It has not been easy, both because of the tenacity (and cowardice) of the opponent, and because so many of my loved (and liked) ones have disappeared. Some have disappeared because they put a timeline on my crisis, but many because they were seduced, bribed, blackmailed, and/or foolish enough to believe the defamatory lies that were told about me. Most of this happened on their phones. They received an anonymous call from a man trained in the art of intimidation. Before calling, he had done what “private tormentors” do. He had gone through their phone/banking/social media records, listened to their calls, contacted people from their past, studied their psyche so effectively that he knew exactly how to coerce their consciousness. He also made it a point to identify those who were harboring jealousies or unresolved anger toward me. Those were the easiest to compromise. They had been waiting for their opportunity.

People are retained for different purposes. Some to say things to trigger me, some to get updates on my various book intentions, others merely to make personal plans and cancel them. The latter is fundamental to the techno-terror game. Much effort is put into isolating the target, so that they have nowhere to turn when the shit hits the fan. They have been turned against by those they love, those they work with (economic sabotage, everywhere), corporations they depend on (shadow bans, book restrictions, banking games), and even members of their religion chime in with a series of games. I’m a Jew, and I have been mortified by the way that my people have responded to my situation. Five individuals in particular have done everything they could to cause me distress, including my closest comrade. If anything, it has been the Christians who have gone out of their way to help. They seem to have a particular regard for whistle-blowers, and are more concerned with conscience than consequences.

A number of people have shared their experience of compromise with me, and with others who are crafting a dossier of what I have been through. One healer I work with recently painted a clear picture of how it happens. The phone rings, and there is a man there who goes by a fake name. He begins by reminding her of something she can be charged with (doubtful, in fact). Then he defames me, so she feels okay about playing along. And then, he offers her copious amounts of cash (to be delivered in a paper bag via courier), which helps to assuage her poverty consciousness triggers. Because of the wealth of the people and corporations who are called out in my book, there really is no limit to how much money can change hands. And no limit to the lies that can be bought.

So, how do I survive it? How does anyone survive the unendurable? For the longest time, I did a terrible job. I fell right back to my in-built vigilance patterns, and just battened down the hatches. I stopped releasing emotionally, stopped traveling, stopped living altogether. I had a responsibility for someone else, and that informed my steps. When that responsibility shifted, I began to come back to life. And somehow, my lens on this uniquely challenging situation shifted too. I finally agreed to a book deal that I had delayed. I finally got on a plane and explored another world. I finally let myself take in a beautiful woman’s kind smile. I finally began to laugh and cry. I think that alone saved me. When you are holding an enormity of unreleased material, it really is difficult to approach life differently. The “power of then” limits your vision of possibility, making it impossible to embody the “power of now.” When you release the holdings, your somatic structure changes and new ways of interfacing with reality rise into view.

And something else began to happen. I began to get curious. Not all the time- curiosity and vigilance often make strange bedfellows- but enough to feel energized and increasingly more hopeful. That curiosity moves in different directions. Sometimes, I am able to inquire deeper into my own role in this. Why did I manifest this political situation in my life? Why did I ignore my intuition in the beginning and connect with Mrs. Trudeau after she posted my work? What is the relationship between this battle (David vs Goliath on Steroids) and my soul’s archetypal history? Was this nightmare actually encoded in me, something akin to what we talked about in ‘Where is God in all of this? If so, what role is it playing on my developmental journey, or is this situation solely designed to benefit humanity? Is the fact that I have lost so much part of the lesson, or it just a tragic consequence of my perseverance? Why is there a part of me that is not frightened by all the bullies that have come my way? Why am I open to dying for this cause? Am I foolish, or am I actually becoming something different in the heart of this crucible? Did I need this challenge in order to truly become a more noble being?

Sometimes, I find myself able to use the situation as an opportunity to more deeply understand the human condition. Why are we still trapped inside of power-over paradigms after all this time? I know why some people want power- it makes them feel safer, it gratifies their unhealthy ego, it makes it easier to shield their sickening predilections- but why aren’t more of us brave enough to confront them? Why are so many of us afraid of blowing the whistle on the madness of the world? How else can we actually co-create change? And, how can I use this situation to have more empathy for the human struggle? I have known trauma in my life, but nothing that compares to this. Now, I can more deeply understand those who feel completely trapped, completely isolated, completely betrayed, and their struggle to find meaning and go on. I can better understand the tricky nature of human consciousness- the often-massive gap between the masks we wear to survive and the truth that lives below them. I can better understand the profound need for genuine presence and acceptance in our world. I understand what Jesus was talking about, in ways I couldn’t before. And in studying my own fierce hunger for life, I can more genuinely understand the textures and contours of the actualizing tendency that runs through all of us. When people ask me how I survived, I playfully say “They never met my mother.” When asked why I survived, I simple say: “I like being alive.” I really do, and perhaps that’s the learning right there. If we can fill each human up with enough fondness for this life, they will be able to overcome and withstand most everything.

Remaining curious on life’s battlefields is no easy thing, but it’s something worth striving for. If we can continue to grow, even under oppressive circumstances, we have a chance to get this species right.

Some words of respect from my book ‘Love it Forward’ for those who have found a way to survive under impossible circumstances. Deep bows…