On the expression of Healthy Anger
I have been thinking a lot about the expression of anger. All too often shunned in our world, it would serve us to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy anger release. With respect to the former, I am not talking about misplaced aggression—I am talking about expressing our anger in a way that honors its roots and our need to express it, while simultaneously avoiding needless harm. I believe this to be essential to our individual and collective well-being. With this in mind, here is an excerpt from my book, Grounded Spirituality, where spiritual seeker Michael and I engage in a dialogue about the value of healthy anger release. What is your relationship with anger?:
M: What about anger—the emotion that has caused untold suffering on this godforsaken planet? Anger isn’t remotely spiritual. It is like a ticking time bomb waiting to unleash destruction. If I do meditate with one primary intention with respect to my emotions, it’s probably to subdue my anger.
JB: How’s that working out?
M: Intermittently effective.
JB: Good, then there’s hope. At least you haven’t been so effective at burying it that it remains entirely hidden from view, stewing and squirming its way into horrifying disease or, perhaps, the kind of outburst that does terrible harm one day. In truth, anger is no less spiritual than any other legitimate emotion. In a mad dash to react away from anger’s perils, we went too far and lost a key piece of the emotional integrity and expression cycle. By discouraging and shaming its organic expression, we actually disrupt our natural emotional rhythms and encourage inauthentic ways of being. This is not to deny its perils, but we have forgotten its fiery wisdom, its contribution to positive change, its profoundly revealing and healing nature, its connection to a passionate life. Anger is a productive force that will get your ass moving to take care of business, and bring positive change into form. Here and now. And, anger is a legitimate emotion that signals that a person has been violated. Without it, we are only half alive.
M: I recall throwing the vase against the wall. That did feel relieving. Then it was followed by the sweetest lovemaking ever…
JB: Please enjoy that recollection privately :). That occurred because anger is a river. It is no different than our tears. It wants to flow naturally. It wants to be released into the vaster ocean. When we repress it with premature forgiveness, block it with false positivity, repress it in the name of pseudo-peace, we just dam(n) our natural flow. The river then turns inward, against the self, or explodes outward, against innocents. Better we express it when it is in our awareness—not in a way that is destructive to humanity—but in a way that is authentic and that restores the integrity of our being. Anger isn’t the enemy. Misplaced anger is. Let the river flow...
M: How does one express it in a way that isn’t destructive? I can’t break all the glassware in our home.
JB: The important thing is to honor its wisdom and meaning in ways that are appropriate and not physically threatening. This can certainly include healthy and direct communication of anger (verbal, written, legal, boundary assertion, among others), and can also include various methods of embodied release. The important thing is to be true to the emotions, without doing needless harm.
The first step is to do the work to unearth and dispel the old anger you are holding. Anger unexpressed creates a compound effect. Which then ultimately erupts in a dramatic or destructive manner. The key is to keep your anger healthily moving. Like a roaring fire, it blazes through your body, consumes all impurities, and actually leaves you cleansed and invigorated. Body-centered psychotherapies can help with this. They can show you how to open the body and bring the anger to the surface. They can also show you how to move the anger healthily. For example, many Bioenergetic and Core Energetics practitioners have a foam hitting cube, where clients can use a baseball bat, or their hands and feet to move their anger, without doing harm. I have one in my home office that I purchased when I was in the Bioenergetic training program years ago. It has served me well.
M: Ahh, yes, I recently watched your film Karmageddon. I know the hitting cube.
JB: That’s it. My trustworthy ole cube. It has proven to be quite an ally on my journey. It has helped me to release old stuff, which then makes any new forms of anger manageable and free-flowing. It’s important to work in both dimensions—the past, and the present.
M: I always figured that if I spent that much time being angry, it would be like a tap that never turns off.
JB: It’s the opposite. If you don’t engage and release, it grows inside you like a virus. A toxic well that quietly seeps into your garden and destroys your roots. The negativity has gone subterranean, living itself out in a myriad of destructive forms, including passive aggressiveness, self-destructive behavior, and all manner of disorder. That’s where these horrific mass shootings emerge from, it’s compressed anger that has accumulated over time, finally erupting into rage, and unleashing destruction. Better to activate it, and move it sooner. Let me show you…
I stepped off the boardwalk and onto the beach. Michael followed. When I got to a clear patch of sand, I grabbed a small stick and drew a circle.
JB: Imagine yourself as this perfect circle. You are intact. Now, imagine yourself being violated by someone, or by something that happens to you. You become angry. You have a choice, you can express it, if possible, thereby preserving the integrity of your being. Your circle is still intact. With your anger expressed and resolved, you can experience the moment with genuine presence.
I marked a dent in the circle.
Or, you can bury it, and watch as it undermines the integrity of your beingness. If there are too many dents in your beingness, it becomes very difficult to function healthily in your life. You end up hobbling through life as a dented circle. The only way to restore your integrity, is to push that dent back out. Not violently, unless self-defense is necessary, but assertively, expressively, with vigor. In other words, you own that you are angry, and you take action to release and express your rightful rage.
It’s time we raised healthy anger back to the rafters of acceptability Michael, and work together to clarify a way of expressing it that both holds everyone safe AND allows us to honor its inherent wisdom. There is needless, regressive conflict, and there is healthy, necessary, forward-moving conflict. The distinction lies in our intentions. Anger is a sacred force when it is honored authentically, without needless destruction. In fact, I am certain that we will not create the world of divine possibility that many spiritual beings long for, unless we get angry about the injustices that many of us face. The world actually improves when people express legitimate anger, because it communicates a message that certain acts and occurrences are not acceptable. As we move toward a healthier collective vibration, appropriate anger shows us injustices that would not have even been noticed at earlier times. If we fully condemn healthy anger, we condemn ourselves to endure realities that don’t serve us. There is a place for healthy anger in an evolving world.
M: Now I feel confused. You want me to be vulnerable, and to own my anger at the same time. That feels counter-intuitive.
JB: Not at all. You can’t be in your vulnerability if you can’t express your anger. Both because it clears the debris so you can open your heart again, and because we cannot touch into the deepest parts of our vulnerability without it. Until our inner child knows that we have the capacity to protect his tenderness with ferocity, he will not fully reveal it. She will only open so much, until she knows that we can hold her safe. This is one of the reasons why those who grew up unprotected as children will often keep their hearts closed. They weren’t given a healthy template for self-protection. Sometimes we have to forge that template ourselves, in the fires of our own empowerment. The more sturdily we can touch into and express our rightful anger, the more comfortable we will feel embodying and expressing our vulnerability. The more powerful our roar, the more open our core.
M: Dude, you have an answer for everything. And right now, all I am feeling is tired. So very tired. Whatever is going on inside of me, is draining me big time. The world is feeling especially harsh right now. I feel like a baby who just emerged fresh from the womb, into a mad world.
JB: I understand. You have so much opening, processing, churning right now. It’s an important time for you, Michael. Whether you realize it or not… you are re-entering the world of feeling. How about we stop the talking and just walk in silence?
M: Sounds like a plan.
Blessings to your path, Jeff