Not everyone will heal in this lifetime

but they may well heal us...

I call it the “narcissism of progress.” It’s when you heal and evolve, and then project the assumption of growth onto others, as though they are you and see the world through your eyes. It’s not a malevolent tendency. It’s simply a misplaced (and often hopeful) assumption of transformation. You reach a place where you couldn’t act in such and such a way, and then assume that someone else is there, too. And sometimes, they are. And sometimes... they aren’t. As much as we long to see everyone grow and evolve, it's important to remember that some people won’t do a stitch of work in that regard. They are comfortable (or uncomfortable) right where they are, or they will grow when they are ready, or they simply have a different idea of growth. It’s important to understand this, so that you live in relational reality, so that you don’t put your eggs in the wrong basket, and so that you experience the liberating benefits of meeting people right where they are. It takes a lot of energy to make assumptions about other people’s consciousness. Save it for your own journey. You will surely need it to get where you long to go.

And lets face it—not everyone will heal in this lifetime. It’s important that we accept and understand this. The perpetual emphasis on acknowledging and healing trauma is a beautiful thing, but its not for everyone. Because some of us don’t have the capacity to heal. Some can’t even get out of bed, because of the weight of their pain and the complexity of their trauma. Too much has happened, and there is little possibility of transformation. This is very hard to accept in our toxic positivity culture, one where trauma is the new buzz word and where people forget that they are not walking in someone else’s shoes. Just because you were able to heal parts of your past, doesn’t mean everyone can heal parts of theirs. We have all lived in a trauma inducing culture. Some of us didn’t make it through in one piece. That’s a fact. And if we can just accept this, and honor and comfort them as they are without any effort to ‘heal’ them, we actually stand a chance of co-creating the kind of trauma-sensitive world that avoids this level of suffering altogether. Because trauma is perpetuated by insensitivity. Our tendency to turn a blind eye to the truth of people’s suffering, to shame them for not healing, to blame it on their karma and their choices, is precisely the dissociative consciousness that perpetuates the trauma cycle. You want to help, but you just make it worse. Better to accept people right where they are. Better to provide comfort to the fallen ones. That alone will heal the world.

I learned much of this with my beloved cousin Gloria. She had been hit by a streetcar on Ossington Avenue in Toronto and suffered brain damage. Thereafter, she spent much of her life riding the Bathurst Street bus, traveling from one doctor’s office to another. She wasn’t usually there to get medical support—she was there to feel loved. And they knew it. When she arrived, they would bring her into the office and listen to her latest medical complaint. There wasn’t much they could do medically, but they knew how to listen. And listen they did. It didn’t solve all of her problems, but it comforted her to know that she mattered.

She also taught me how to listen. When I would suggest a variety of therapies that I thought could help her, she would tell me to be quiet. When I told her that she needed to eat healthier food, she told me to drive her to McDonalds. When I asked her if we should process things that happened to her in childhood, she told me to take her to the movies. She knew what she needed.

I loved Gloria. She was the only relative who stood up for me when neighbourhood bullies came after me. She was the only one who listened with her heart when I shared my childhood challenges. She was the only one with the guts to call me out when I was talking nonsense. And whenever I did what she asked me to do, she always remembered to remind me that I was her “favourite relative.” It meant more to me to hear that from her, than from anyone else. The key to it all was accepting her as she was. That’s what she needed. That’s what I learned to give her. And, in so doing, she taught me something I needed to learn. She taught me how to finally accept myself.

There’s a lot to be said for letting go of the idea that everyone has to heal. And that includes us. Some things may heal, some things may linger as the remnants of a life truly lived. The trick is to not shame yourself, or others, for that which remains. We live in a trauma accumulated world. That’s a fact. Those of us who are able to work things through are not better than anyone else. We are just blessed. And one of the things we can do with those blessings is provide comfort to the fallen ones. Give them freely, give them often. Nothing will resurrect humanity quicker.

Treasure yourself,

Jeff (and Gloria, in spirit)