Dear Friend:
In the heart of online overwhelm and polarizing culture wars, it can be very difficult to develop and maintain healthy boundaries. So much around us is encroaching on our consciousness, demanding our attention and compliance. Yesterday, I got rid of my “smart” phone, and replaced it with an old style flip-phone, partly because my phone had become unreliable but largely because I longed for those days when my phone and computer were separate entities. I was finding it difficult to healthily compartmentalize and boundary off consciousness with everything smooshed together on one device. Smart, on the one hand, but oppressive on the other.
It’s little wonder that people stopped talking to each other when they were sitting together at a table. The ‘phone’ had become their primary relationship, strangely indispensable and demanding of all their attention. If you too are finding yourself anxiously affixed to your ‘smart’ phone, do the truly smart thing and abandon it. At the least, strive to become conscious about your relationship with it. If you are going out for the evening, ask yourself if you really need it with you. Before you go to work, ask yourself if you can go it alone. When you are at home, turn it off when you need some time with yourself. Every human needs a measure of solitude to regenerate, clarify, and heal. If we are in an oppressively codependent relationship with our device, we will always be one step back from the transformation we need.
Here are some of my previous writings on Boundaries, for anyone who struggles with establishing and sustaining them in any area of their life:
From my book ‘Hearticulations’…
“Healthy boundaries aren’t walls or barbed wire fences. They are gates, portals that we selectively open when it is safe and life-enhancing to do so. Sometimes we do have to wall others off—to heal, to get a taste of what it feels like to be protected after a mountain of suffering—but eventually we come into a sacred balance. Here, we make conscious decisions as to when to open, when to close. I think of it as the “art of selective attachment.” Rather than responding from a patterned place that is too open or too closed, we assess each situation on its own merits. We keep the gate closed, when it is risky to open it. We unlatch the gate, if there is a healthy basis for connection. Healthy boundaries are situation specific, evolving and clarifying as we grow. We sift connections through an intelligently discerning filter, only opening the gate to those experiences and individuals that enhance our sacred true-path. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries… don’t leave home without them.”
“Unconditional love is a beautiful thing, as long as we don’t use it against ourselves. I can love all of humanity, but that doesn’t mean that I need to put up with all of humanity. The boundary, for me, is set at healthy self-regard. When my unconditional love for another undermines my self-respect, the fence goes up. Not because I don’t believe in their possibilities, but because I have come to realize that there is no value in sacrificing my actuality for their potentiality. I make a distinction between human potential—which may well be infinite; and human actuality—which is often quite finite, particularly in those who choose, over decades, to remain asleep. Yes, they may eventually awaken, but we should never postpone any part of our own life waiting for that to happen. We should never hold back our own possibilities. Unconditional love begins at home, with the protecting and honouring of our own unique journey.”
“Twin flames” is one of the most dangerous, delusional terms in the spiritual world. It reflects an ungrounded tendency, and often attracts New Cagers with very poor boundaries, who desperately want to believe that their unhealthy relationship is soul-sponsored. Maybe it is, but that doesn’t mean it is healthy or sustainable. The moment someone says they are in a “twin flame” relationship I suggest that they buy a fire extinguisher and a burn kit. Because they are going to need them. What we need now are soul connections that are centred, grounded, sustainable, mature. Love has feet that walk it through time.”
From my book ‘Love it Forward’…
“I love to see dear friends assert necessary boundaries in celebration of their own value. There is something so in-powering, so transformative, so forward-moving about standing our ground in situations where we have been habitually stuck. We send a message to the deep within that we truly matter. That message melts our shame and liberates us on many unseen levels, preparing us for the next stage of our self-creation journey.”
“Every time we don’t stand down the primary abusers in our lives, we lose a little ground, we fade into the night, we die a little inside. Rising above it may be a temporary balm, but, at some point, we have to come back into our bodies and speak it. As important as it is to reach a stage of genuine forgiveness where possible, it is even more important to assert boundaries with those who have violated ours. It may well be why they came into our lives—to force us to recognize and claim our own value.”
From my book, ‘Humanifestations’…
“I recognize that we have evolved beyond the point where we turn away from everyone that triggers us. We have come to understand that, sometimes, the trigger points us back in the direction of unhealed material that seeks resolution. The willingness to hang in there with this dynamic, and to work through the revealed material, can be fundamental to our expansion. Unfortunately, this practice can be taken much too far and become a recipe for masochistic self-destruction. Not everything that feels painful in a relationship is a gift. Not every trigger is a function of our limitations. Not every disturbing reflection is a helpful mirror. Sometimes it is, and sometimes it’s a reminder that you need better boundaries. Sometimes it means that you are simply not where you belong. Working through our stuff doesn’t always mean that we hang in there and suffer. Sometimes it means that we take the next exit.”
And a piece I wrote about Boundaries for ABC’s ‘Good Morning America’ some time ago….
FINDING SACRED PURPOSE
For those who are genuinely struggling with the questions of path and purpose, I encourage you to check out my May 14th ‘Sacred Purpose’ course at Soulshaping Institute.
I don’t approach the question of purpose in a kitschy or trendy way. I take it quite seriously. I wholeheartedly believe that each of us comes into being with an encoded path living inside of us. And that path is both sacred and fundamental to our personal and collective transformation. Each of us carries callings, gifts, and offerings that are unique to our soul’s journey. Each of us carries a whole network of wounds, issues, and patterns that emanate from our individual and ancestral lineage. To the extent that we can excavate, express, and transform them, we live a life that is emblazoned with purpose. Not always easy, but deeply gratifying because we are walking the path that is truly our own. No longer waking up wondering what you are doing here, you have a clearly marked blueprint that both grounds and directs your life. In the words of the great sociologist Virginia Satir at the end of her life: “I did what I came here to do.” If we could all say that just before our time is up, we would be living in the kind of world that would serve us all.
The ‘Finding Sacred Purpose’ course is six weeks long. One audio per week, and each audio is left up for six weeks. It also includes a workbook filled with optional inquiries and exercises. And a private Zoom or Skype session with me to support your process. This course has helped a great many people to get solid with their path. If curious, here is the description and signup link:
As I continue to slog through the writing of my next book—Big Pharma, Big Harma— I find comfort in Susan Frybort's words. She too suffered as a result of the adverse reaction to prescriptions that hobbled me last autumn. In her efforts to rescue me, she became physically unwell and is currently in recovery. Her faith in life has been a lighthouse for me, at a time when my body had weakened from the toll:
Her next Poetry Healing Course begins on June 4th at Soulshaping Institute (course link).
If you are struggling in any way, I send you my love and sincerest well wishes. I don’t want to trivialize your challenges, but I do hope that you can find a way to go on no matter what you are up against. If it serves you, here again is a free pdf download to my latest book, ‘Humanifestations’. Perhaps something in its pages will be a lighthouse for you, too… Free link to Humanifestations …