Dear Reader:
I have long been interested in the distinction between healthy and avoidant positivity. Where’s the line?
I can remember many moments in my life where there was no space to process and heal challenging experiences. The best I could do was to find a sliver of positivity to get me through it. It didn’t even matter what form it came in: spiritual bypassing, goofy affirmations, Cory Hart’s song ‘Never Surrender’ on mantric repeat, copious amounts of Heavenly Hash Ice Cream. What mattered was that I overcame the odds, one way or the other.
And then it became clear that my positivity had (sometimes) worn out its welcome. It had become an addictive tendency, one that actually prevented me from growing in the heart of reality. With my eye forever focused on the sun, I couldn’t see my way through the darkness. So, I began to pay closer attention to this pattern within myself, and within others.
One night, after spending time with someone who utterly refuses to confront their own shadow, I felt inspired to write this:
“Perpetual Positivity Syndrome (PPS) is the addictive need to default to positivity under any and all circumstances. One of the most common obstructions to awakening on the healing path, it prevents a maturation in the deep within because sufferers refuse to be present for all that is. Symptoms include: a constant need to find the light in every situation, a tendency to forget or “rise above” the negative aspects of their partners, an inability to fully support and hold the space for another’s suffering, and a turning away from the painstaking work demanded by life’s challenges. Instead of forging a grounded, discerning optimism in the grit and grime of daily life—they jump to the light, while averting the shadows that inform it. They habitually bliss-trip, when lessons are waiting in the wings to be integrated and embodied. Those who suffer with PPS are often of the illusory view that they had perfect childhoods or that they have moved beyond the shadow. In most cases, their obsessive clinging to the “positive” is rooted in their own unresolved emotional material: pain and anger that will only come back to haunt them. At the end of the day, there can be no light without shadow, and no substitute for hard-earned transformation.”
And later this, while exploring my subsequent tendency to get too affixed to the negative. Not that there is any issue with bravely healing and working through our wounds, issues, and patterns, but there did seem to be a point where I was spending more time in the darkness than I had to. It was essential to honor the truth of my victimhood, but also essential to step out from the darkness to give the world another chance. Healing was only one wing of the growth process—exploring (and embodying) life-affirming ways of being was the other:
“PNS (Perpetual Negativity Syndrome) is one of the most common obstructions to awakening on the spiritual path. Defined as ‘the addictive need to default to negativity under any and all circumstances’, it prevents a maturation in the deep within because sufferers refuse to be present for all the possible ways to experience reality—including pleasure and happiness. Symptoms include a persistent need to find the darkness in every situation, a tendency to invalidate or deny the positive aspects of their children, partners and friends, an inability to celebrate other’s joys and victories, and a turning away from the growth work demanded by life’s challenges. Instead of forging a grounded, discerning negativity in the heart of all that is—one that is rooted in a present-centered appraisal of experience—they jump to the darkness as a matter of habit, without considering other possible perspectives. They reactively gloom-trip, when essential lessons are waiting in the wings to be learned. Those who suffer with PNS are often of the view that happiness is not their birthright, and that their trauma cannot be worked through, but this is often not the case. There are many transformative possibilities, if they are willing to seek support. If anything, their habitual clinging to the ‘negative’ is a self-fulfilling prophecy, perpetuating and concretizing the unresolved emotional material at its source. At the end of the day (when the darkness truly settles in…), there can be no shadow without light. And no substitute for hard-earned transformation.”
So, where lies the healthy in-between? Or, perhaps better worded, what has to happen—both circumstantially and with respect to our own maturation—so that we can embrace the shadow and the light? Not as a coping mechanism, but as a natural way of being? Perhaps this quote from my book, Hearticulations, can shed some light (and dark 😊) on this challenging question:
“When you reach a stage where you can have a very dark and difficult experience, without having to look on the “bright side,” then you know that you have made progress on your healing journey. Because one significant measure of our emotional health, is our capacity to tolerate all of our experiences without jumping to reactive reframes. You reach a stage where you can stretch to accommodate the truth of your lived experience. You have enough light inside, to own the shadow. And enough shadow inside, to own the light.”
I really like what Susan Frybort says in this passage from her beloved book, ‘Open Passages: Doors and Windows to the Soul’. Not that there is always a choice, but sometimes the soul decides for itself:
THE POETRY HEALING COURSE
Speaking of Susan, her next Poetry course begins on June 4th, 2024. “The Poetry Healing Course: Writing from Your Heart and Soul” is an unforgettably transformative 4-week online workshop designed to help you discover healing and resolution through writing poetry. It provides writing feedback and personal support for anyone ready to embark on a creative journey to access their inner voice and poetic expression. For those who wish to become better poets, they will find tremendous wisdom here. And for those who wish to use poetry as a means to a deeper healing and transformation, the course will take your hand and support your steps. Many students have published their first poetry collection after completing this course. And many others have found a voice that longed to be expressed.
The course is priced at only $99 US, or 3 payments of $33. For those who are financially challenged, you are welcome to make only one payment of $33 (1 'space' upon signup) or 2 payments of $33, and nothing more. No explanation required. The audios can be listened to from anywhere in the world, and remain up for 4 weeks, so you can listen to them as often as you wish. You can download them as well. Feedback and support is provided throughout. Check out this affordable, heartfelt and inspiring course at the following link:
SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST AND SURVIVAL OF THE TRUEST
In the survivalist world that we come from, the most traumatized individuals were the most shamed and shunned. It was survival of the ‘fittest’, authenticity and healing be damned. If you could punch your way through the pain and accumulate, you were deemed a success. It didn’t matter what your inner world or personal life looked like, so long as you championed the material world.
And there is something to be said for championing the material world. Not in the greedy, planet-destroying forms that we are tired of, but in ways that are sensible, resilient, foundational. We stand on the shoulders of healthy survivalism. Where would I be without those who managed to survive the madness of the world they lived in? I wouldn’t be sitting here, writing to you.
And that includes my emotionally challenged parents. They may not have been able to actualize all of their capacities, but they were able to bring me—and my brothers—through under very challenging circumstances. After my father passed in 2013, I wrote this:
“I think of my father’s passing and I think of how narrowly we define success. The culture sets the bar unnaturally, imagining success in linear, objective, externalized terms. You are a success if you make a fortune, or become famous, or win awards. No, no, success is actually something else, something more subtle and incremental, something internally true and privately held. I think of my father’s traumatic life and recognize what a profound success it was for him to simply stay alive, to shift his lens toward positivity, to smooth the rough edges forged in life’s fires. That alone was extraordinary. Success is finding a way to grow in the heart of a hopeless landscape. To that I bow...”